My mom's husband of only 3 years passed away 3 weeks and 5 days ago. It's not been that long, and yet somehow it seems a lifetime ago that I walked into their home and saw him for the last time. There was no notice, no warning that it was going to be the last. If I had known, how that last moment would have been different! Although the start of our relationship was rocky...and even some points in the middle...I loved him. It took losing him for me to realize how much...I hope he can see me and knows just how much of an impact he had on my life.
On a brighter note, life is starting to return to our new normal. Emily had swine flu last week, but is fully recovered and back at school, praise the Lord! She's taking Aubrey's death very hard, so we're just trying to pull together and give extra hugs and kisses. This is her first experience with death, and she and Aubrey had a very special relationship. She misses him...a lot. Avery is doing great in 1st grade and has been so sweet and loving during our time of grief....she really has the sweetest, caring heart. And the big boy, Brady, just moved Friday to his new big boy bed. He's doing great....and while I am so happy that he's done well, I'm not going to lie and say it's been easy. He's my baby...and I'm not sure I'm ready to watch my baby grow to a little boy, and too soon....into a young man.
We have been so blessed with our family. God has provided for us in ways that are unimagineable. At the same time I can't help but struggle with being angry with Him for some of the experiences that have been forced upon us in the last 2 years. I know that while God doesn't cause things to happen, He WILL redeem them. The trouble is sometimes the redemption doesn't happen when/where we can see it. I heard a song yesterday that I've never heard before. Probably because I'm always listening to Elmo and Hannah Montana in the car, so I can't listen to MY music. =) I thought I'd leave my first blog with the lyrics to this song. Maybe someone who reads this also has a broken heart and is struggling as well with trusting God again. I HAVE to believe that He is there and listening. Otherwise, what Hope do I...or any of us for that matter...have to hold on to?
Hold my heart
by Tenth Avenue North
How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for you?
How long ‘til I see your face
See you shining through
I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO NOTICE ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER, WILL YOU TURN TO ME
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN THE SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE AND HOLD MY HEART
I've been so afraid,afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO TURN TO ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER, WILL YOU RUN TO ME
So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN THE SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE AND HOLD MY HEART
3 comments:
I enjoyed reading this, Ange....I believe Pop can see you and knows that you love him. I too am angry, but I guess it's just at the situation...not necessarily at God, but I completely understand your feelings! I know He has His reasons and we will probably not know them - maybe he gave us extra time we wouldn't have had...I don't know...I just know that for Mom most of all...it just royally stinks (I would've chosen another word, but settled for this one). Anyway, I love you and look forward to becoming closer if not geographically, then at least by proxy through the internet and phone! I love you, my little sister...now, forever, and always, unconditionally!
Angela,
Although our difficulties aren't exactly the same... I can say we've been through 'more than our share' of hardships over the past two years as well. Honestly, you seem much stronger through them than I am. I admire that. For me, I don't have any explanations- even still- and I don't have any answers. In fact, I think I'm realizing that no one really does. At first, I noticed that I continued to cling- begging God for help and for some explanation. But as time has pushed on- and I find myself (definitely on a weekly basis) thinking that nothing else can go wrong- it does. Heaviness and frustration are an understatement. The foundation is the same- but all else is shaken. I know that there is purpose through it all- but at times I wish I could just breathe. I guess all of this to say, you aren't alone. I'm not in the most positive place in my life and I'm not really sure when and if that pleasant life is going to return. But, nonetheless, I get through everyday- trying my hardest to keep my head above water. If you ever need an ear- I'll listen. As I said before, our difficulties aren't exactly the same... but a broken heart translates the same no matter what the circumstances.
Much love to you.
Janissa
Ladies, just wanted to say ditto to every thing you said. Last 2 years have blown my mind as far as hardships have come along. And I'm so very tired. And constantly questioning whether or not I'm crazy or weak because something 'REALLY' bad has not happened (disease, war, famine). Thx for sharing, I believe there are many if us out there. Keep inspiring and sharing. Xoxo
Jeannine
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