Making some changes...

It's been a while, I know.  Although I'm not sure that anyone reads this, so I guess no one has missed my random blogs.  =) 

I've decided to make some changes in my life.  I've tried to make some of these changes time and time again, but I'm really tired of putting off what I can get started on now.

First, I am back on Weight Watchers for about the 113th time.  My goal is to lose 20-30 lbs.  No deadline...I just want to work my way there.  Even if it takes a year, two years.....I want to lose 20-30 lbs.  That's it. 

Second, kind of in conjunction with WW, I want to exercise more and get fit.  More like I used to be.  Part of this is spurred on by the fact that in the next 5 weeks I have to prepare to be in a show choir reunion show from high school.  I am so excited for this, but know that I am in no way the same shape I was in when I was singing/dancing on a regular basis.  But even after the reunion is over, I want to stay more fit.  I just FEEL better when I'm doing a regular fitness schedule - I think most of us do.

Third, I want to save more money.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE couponing, but I want to learn even more about it.  I am going to go to a class/meeting with someone who is phenomenal with her couponing, and I hope to save our family several hundred dollars each month by doing this.  I am considering this to be part of my job now. 

Finally, I want to be a better mom and wife.  Don't you just get tired of constantly complaining, yelling, nagging, and not being able to have FUN with your kids??  I do.  I want to have fun with them - they won't always be little and innocent.  God has given them to us to raise, and I am honored that He gave us the kids that we have....they are amazing little creatures - smart, funny, adorable, talented.  I am a mom and could go on and on, but I need to go on and on about them TO them.  So that's what else I want to change.  They deserve a mom who disciplines, but who also shows them how to live, laugh, and love unconditionally. 

I'll let you know how all of this works out.  =)  Until next time, whenever that may be...

Almost February?

Long time, no write...

I guess I just haven't felt like blogging. Or maybe I've been too busy to blog. Life has moved on, at a fast pace, and we're already facing Valentine's Day. Which means spring is on its way!!!

I've decided to take a bit of a sabbatical from the worship department at church. It's been a really rough couple of years, and I needed some time to just "reprocess" and get back spiritually to where I was a few years ago. I think sometimes all of us need to stop, take a breath, and evaluate where we are in our lives - who we are, where we're going, who our friends are, who GOD is, etc.

Unfortunately, during this sabbatical, my daughter has decided to enter....Tweendom. UGH.....for those of you who have daughters in the dreaded 8-12 age range, I am praying for you. How will I ever live through this? I know I will, only to enter the dreaded....TEENDOM. She's such a sweet girl, but some alien has inhabited her body at certain points of the day. Trouble is, you never know when the alien will show herself!! LOL

Also during this time of reflection during the holidays, we lost our beloved dog of 13 years, Murray. He got sick Christmas Eve, and steadily was getting worse until we decided to take him to the Emergency Vet on Christmas night. Turns out the vet thinks he had a tumor that ruptured, and he was internally bleeding. There was basically nothing they could safely do to save him. It was a horrible evening, and I miss Murray terribly. He was our first "baby."

However.....two days later we went to see some puppies, and on New Year's Eve, we brought home our newest addition. Dottie Mae Pullen has got all of us wrapped around her tiny little paw. She is a dachshund (like Murray), but she is white and has one big dot on her back...hence the name. =) While she doesn't take the place of Murray, she certainly has brought some joy and excitement into our home.

Speaking of my home...maybe I should stop catching up for now. I hear my son...or I should say, I hear my son trying to be quiet. That can't be good...

Who knew there was a spiritual lesson in "Finding Nemo"???

Yes, I said "Finding Nemo." Everyone who knows me or who has read my last few posts know that the last two years have been really rough for our family. Medically, financially, spiritually, emotionally.....just really rough. I was watching "Finding Nemo" the other day with Brady for the first time in a long time. We got to the part in the movie where Dory begins to sing, "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming." She's encouraging Nemo's dad to continue on, no matter what and keep swimming until they find Nemo. It's a catchy little tune....if you haven't heard it, you should check it out. =)

Anyway, it's been stuck in my head now for days. I'll sing it randomly to make the little man laugh. Ever had a song like that? I'm sure your song is much more mature than mine....and not from an animated movie. But I digress....

Moving on....I was reading a book my BFF gave me last week, and in that book one of the ladies quotes the scripture that says, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." She was remarking in the book about how much she and her friend had been walking, travelling, etc. They made the spiritual connection that they had never thought of the fact before that the scripture doesn't say, "Though I stop and lay down in the shadow of death...."

God doesn't want us to wallow in our trying times. There will be an end to the valley, and we have to walk through it to find the other side. He doesn't want us to get in the middle of it and just quit. He wants us to walk THROUGH the valley...and He's with us all along the way. He wants us to..wait for it....just keep swimming.

So what valley are you walking through today? Have you stopped trying to move through it? Are you just laying down in the valley of the shadow of death? My hope is that on those days when I don't want to try anymore...when I am too tired to continue the journey through....I'll think of the silly little song from the movie. And just keep swimming....=)

Experienced parents....Age old problems....

We have often prided ourselves on how easily our two youngest children have always gone to sleep.  Emily was difficult to get to sleep as a baby, but now does fine as well.  However....Brady, who has always gone to bed easiest of the 3, has just now decided to challenge us, and we are about at our wit's end!!

This is the situation.  When Aubrey passed away, obviously there was an upheaval in our daily lives.  People were coming and going, mommy and daddy weren't always here to put him to bed for naps, bedtime was at different times, etc.  Since that week, he insists upon being rocked until he falls asleep.  Once he's asleep if I move AT ALL, he clutches me and begins to cry, not wanting to be put in his bed.  We moved him to a big boy bed, thinking that may help solve the problem, because then we could lay with him and comfort him to get him to go to sleep.  That's what I now have to do at naptime in order for him to nap.  This process sometimes takes up to.....an hour and a half.  When he wakes up at night, the only person that can get him to go back to sleep is poor Greg, who goes to work most mornings exhausted.  Since he's in a big boy bed now, if we try to just let him cry it out, he gets out of bed and bangs on the door, all the while yelling at us to "open the door!"  We have the two girls to think of, and we don't want them waking up all hours of the night, so we have quite the dilemma. 

You would think that this being our third child, we would have the sleep thing mastered now.  And we did.....so we thought.  ;)  Any suggestions?

One month ago today...

...was the last time I saw Aubrey.  Where has this month gone?  Did I just live through all of that??  This doesn't seem to be getting much easier for me.   I have to pray that over time the pain will lessen.  I told mom the other day that I'm not exactly sure WHY this has affected me the way it has.  All I know is that I would LOVE a glimpse into heaven....been struggling lately with trust, faith, hope.  Like I said before, I HAVE to believe in what I've known my whole life.  Without that belief...I have no hope of ever seeing again those that I love - my dad, Aubrey, other family members/friends....the end of this life just CAN'T be the ....end.  Right?

I didn't mean for this blog to be one in which I am down in the dumps all the time.  It won't always be.  =)  That just seems to be where I am living a lot of the time right now.  Those of you who have been through grief....tell me this will get better!  Tell me that I won't always worry every single second when my mother is alone.  Tell me that whenever I think of Aubrey I won't always remember first the last image I have of him after he had passed away in the hospital.  Tell me that someday this will be a distant memory, and when we think of this time, all we think of is fondness and thankfulness that we got the time with Aubrey that we did...however short.

On another note....I am SO excited the events of the afternoon/evening!  A wonderful friend from church gave me a sweet gift when she saw me at the visitation to treat my mother for a dinner out.  So....this afternoon mom and I are going to a Christmas Cottage event at the fairgrounds.  Those of you who know us well know that we LOVE Christmas - decorations, shopping, music...will be different this year, but maybe it will help heal?  Then after that we are going with two of our friends to Maggiano's to eat fabulous Italian...and lots of it!  No Weight Watchers for me this evening! 

My sweet husband will keep the kids tonight so I can have a much needed girls' night out.  We've got a busy weekend planned.  Em has soccer practice tonight and a game tomorrow.  Greg and I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon and are singing in a wedding tomorrow night.  Then of course Sunday's services, and we go to sing at the Davidson County jail Sunday night for our annual "Jammin' at the Jail" concert.  Should be a busy, but fun weekend. 

Hope all of you have a great weekend as well.  Hug your family, and tell them how much you love them!!

Well, hello there....

This is my first attempt in a long time at "blogging."  My life has taken many turns in the past couple of years, most of which blindsided me.  I thought maybe it might be a good idea to write down some of the stories of my life as I live them.  Maybe for my children to come back and read, maybe to share my experiences with friends or even those I may not know yet.  Or maybe just for me...

My mom's husband of only 3 years passed away 3 weeks and 5 days ago.  It's not been that long, and yet somehow it seems a lifetime ago that I walked into their home and saw him for the last time.  There was no notice, no warning that it was going to be the last.  If I had known, how that last moment would have been different!  Although the start of our relationship was rocky...and even some points in the middle...I loved him.  It took losing him for me to realize how much...I hope he can see me and knows just how much of an impact he had on my life. 

On a brighter note, life is starting to return to our new normal.  Emily had swine flu last week, but is fully recovered and back at school, praise the Lord!  She's taking Aubrey's death very hard, so we're just trying to pull together and give extra hugs and kisses. This is her first experience with death, and she and Aubrey had a very special relationship.  She misses him...a lot.  Avery is doing great in 1st grade and has been so sweet and loving during our time of grief....she really has the sweetest, caring heart.  And the big boy, Brady, just moved Friday to his new big boy bed.  He's doing great....and while I am so happy that he's done well, I'm not going to lie and say it's been easy.  He's my baby...and I'm not sure I'm ready to watch my baby grow to a little boy, and too soon....into a young man. 

We have been so blessed with our family.  God has provided for us in ways that are unimagineable.  At the same time I can't help but struggle with being angry with Him for some of the experiences that have been forced upon us in the last 2 years.  I know that while God doesn't cause things to happen, He WILL redeem them.  The trouble is sometimes the redemption doesn't happen when/where we can see it.  I heard a song yesterday that I've never heard before.  Probably because I'm always listening to Elmo and Hannah Montana in the car, so I can't listen to MY music.  =)  I thought I'd leave my first blog with the lyrics to this song.  Maybe someone who reads this also has a broken heart and is struggling as well with trusting God again. I HAVE to believe that He is there and listening.  Otherwise, what Hope do I...or any of us for that matter...have to hold on to?

Hold my heart
by Tenth Avenue North

How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for you?
How long ‘til I see your face
See you shining through

I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO NOTICE ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER, WILL YOU TURN TO ME
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN THE SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE AND HOLD MY HEART

I've been so afraid,afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO TURN TO ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER, WILL YOU RUN TO ME

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name

ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN THE SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE AND HOLD MY HEART